Turning 23
I was petrified of the dark when I was younger.
The dark signifies uncertainties which for me it meant looming dangers and I was not able to sleep alone in total darkness until merely a year ago. Being a descendant of homo sapiens that were historically hyperaware of possible dangers in the dark which led to using fire and electricity to illuminate the night, the unknowns of pitch blackness stir uneasiness and panic in me that nothing else in the world could.
Symbolically or literarily, darkness tends to represent evil, hazards, unknowns & bad things that could harm us. Uncertainties come hand in hand with being in the dark, which I’m certainly not a fan of.
Turning 23 this year feels entirely different. I’m imagining myself walking on a path called life, with roads unlit ahead. To date, I have been short-sighted because university had put up street lights for me to walk this route safely for five years and I was content. I was so sure about the career I wanted to pursue when I graduate until….. I’m currently not. This year, the inevitable unlit path is just less than a year away from now, and my metaphorical handheld flashlight is rusty after being unutilized since high school. Considering the fact that I was just a baby (17 year old) when I last used it, I am still an entire amateur in light-shining skills that are supposed to be extremely crucial in deciding my life trajectory.
I’ll be lying if I say I’m not afraid; unknowns and the fear of making choices circling like vultures in my head. Isn’t it too much for a human who had just lived ~28% of her life? (average life expectancy ~78) There are so many things I have yet to know, so who is trusting me with this light-emitting probe??
Still, just like having a vocation is a privilege that enables mental clarity, having the freedom to choose what I’d like to do is on its own a luxury. My parents do not force me to have a particular esteemed job nor do they urge me to support the family financially immediately, which I am very grateful for. I do acknowledge that I’m fully responsible for the choices I will make and I don’t think there’s anyone better than oneself to be the helmsman on the boat of life because no one in the world has had the same experiences, thoughts and aspirations as us. Ultimately, it is ourselves who will live the life we ought to choose.
Humans have been hard-wired to elude uncertainties and I’m not dissimilar, but I’m definitely learning to cohabitate. If turning 23 has taught me one thing, it is to embrace unknowns, to live as one with the darkness, trusting that I could work it out no matter the situation because I’m still human. If my ancestors were able to get by life and build things from the ground up without comfortable shelter, sufficient food, and - the internet (which grants us exponentially, brain-meltingly immense access to anything we would like to know) how dare I be any less capable?
Cheers to another year of being alive; cheers to living with darkness; cheers to a 23rd birthday.
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