In my head
Recently an Instagram post that shows a picture of a banner that goes: ‘You’re so in your head you can’t even enjoy where you are.’ intrigued me, leading to further contemplation.
The sentence perfectly captures what I am chronically experiencing. With frequent thoughts, envisionments, hopes and worries about the future, I just can’t seem to fully experience moments in my present life. Minor mishaps may sometimes trigger loathing and longing: loathing the now, longing for a change ahead. I feel like stagnant water, with trivial and unimportant matters and conversations piling up without being able to be drained out. I feel like the pendulum of a grandfather clock, with joy at one end and distress at the other, capricious thoughts swaying to and fro while time mercilessly ticking away.
Life is only realized in hindsight, which made me hope to get a glimpse of what I’d be feeling when I’m old and frail, hoping to obtain an improbable certainty of life’s plan. “Whether I’ll end up on a different continent? Will I change careers? Who will I settle down with?” are futile thoughts that pollute the working mind.
The only escape is to face, however daunting it may be.
- starting a new semester in 7 hours.
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