Not knowing what I want

Maybe we are all just monkeys with clothes that learned manners who yearn to be loved and respected by other monkeys. But why do some of us are more obsessed with status and power than others? Why some might abandon morality and honesty to achieve higher monetary success?

Why we aren't all built to strive for more? What caused the disparity of aspirations in us human beings?  

These questions puzzled me. While still being in my "formative years" currently, I do not know what I aspire to become or whether I'm mentally and physically up for the aforementioned 'more'. I do know I want to be happy, content and not regret the things I do when I look back - maybe 50 years later. I know a goal that's based on emotions is kinda silly because feelings come and go, it's so fickle that you might be happy and content on a cozy Friday movie night and then be insecure while doubting all the life choices you made when something goes wrong.

If a goal based on emotions is not ideal, is it wise to determine success based on one's achievements? May it be a billionaire dream, a Nobel laureate dream, an A-list celebrity dream, will it be better if I anchor my values on external titles/items since fleeting feelings are not something worthy to be mentioned in our obituaries? The quote "I would rather cry on a Mercedes than to be happy on a bike" has been popularized on the Internet and people have been more materialistic and desirous of fame than ever in these past decades, does it make their goals more superior than others?

We're anxious because we live in a world of snobs, people who take a tiny part of us: our professional identities, and use these to come to a complete verdict about how valuable we are as humans - Alain de Botton

It's intimidating to be thinking about all these what-I-want-to-do-in-life questions because of all the uncertainties that surround them. It reminds me how powerless we are in knowing what lies ahead and at the same time how big of a responsibility we possess in choosing steps that ultimately shape our future. It's a lot, to be honest. Too many what-ifs and maybe, false hopes and serendipities.

I guess the best I can do now to stop this identity crisis of mine is to "go with the flow". Not in a way of submitting and surrender everything to forces I could not control, but to admit the brutal truth of not everything will go as planned and might not even be "for the better". Perhaps life inherently does not have a meaning or purpose but opportunities (no matter how small) are thrown at me every day, to live, to choose, to grow, to experience and explore this whole world of meaninglessness which in turn paradoxically generates meaning.

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